After reading the title of this post you might object, “But Richard this is duck penis month! Why let the duck vagina share the spotlight, too?” Well, it was a tough editorial decision, but after steeping myself in Prof. Brennan’s work on duck genitalia for the last few weeks I have come to undeniable conclusion that I cannot make the duck penis explicable without at least some discussion the duck vagina as well.
In this undertaking, I ask you to please bear with me, dear reader, because despite being an expert in penis science, Franz Liszt studies, and food/wine pairings, “vagina science” is entirely virgin territory for me. But if my mentor Tad Everhard taught me one thing it is to never be afraid of the unknown.
Dear reader, the phones and fax lines here at PRIC labs are ringing off the hook! Everyone is asking the same thing: “Dr. Cox, what is your take on the duck penis controversy?” At first I was flummoxed. What controversy? The celebrated study put out by Prof. Patricia Brennan in 2007 was pretty conclusive on the matter: The Argentinian lake duck’s elaborate and explosive corkscrew penis is best explained by the theory of “sexual conflict”, that is, the duck penis likely the result of an evolutionary “arms race” between male and female duck genitals, driven by the different evolutionary interests of male and female ducks. Case closed. Another bizarre animal penis made explicable thanks to the ingenuity of a first-rate penis scientist.
But no, that was not the controversy my followers had in mind. After a quick Ask Jeeves search, I surfed my Netscape Navigator over some links and found what all the fuss about. It seems some conservative media outlets are “crying fowl” that Breenan received grant money from the NSF and are singling our her research as example of wasteful government spending, fueling a firestorm of outrage on Tweeter.
Of course, none of this comes as a surprise to me. Penis scientists are always on the defensive; our research is routinely the derided and mocked by other scientists, by the pop-sci publications, by our ex-wives, etc., but rarely is our discipline subject to such invidious public scorn as this.
However, Brennan has not shrunk in response to the cold reception from the public. Recently she authored a stirring defense of her research entitled, “Why I Study Duck Genitalia,” published at Slate.com. Here she points out the obstacle all too familiar to the penis scientist:
The commentary and headlines in some of the recent articles reflect outrage that the study was about duck genitals, as if there is something inherently wrong or perverse with this line of research. Imagine if medical research drew the line at the belt! Genitalia, dear readers, are where the rubber meets the road, evolutionarily.
I sense a kindred spirit in Prof. Brennan (is she a dear reader of Curious Cox, I wonder?) and in a show of solidarity I am proud to announce we are declaring April 2013 is Duck Penis Month on Curious Cox! Join us as we celebrate with a series of posts examining the magnificent duck penis with a special focus on Prof. Brennan’s groundbreaking work.
Dr. Richard Cox, PhD.
Supposing the penis to be a woman–what then? Is the suspicion not well founded that all penis scientists, with their focus on size, shape, and physical functioning, have had little understanding of women? That the gruesome seriousness, the clumsy obtrusiveness with which they have usually approached the penis have been inept and improper means for winning a woman? Certainly she–the penis–has not let herself be won, and today every kind of penis science stands sad and discouraged. If it remains erect at all! For there are scoffers who claim that it has fallen limp, that penis science has grown hopelessly soft, more, that penis science has blown its final load.
To speak seriously, there are good grounds for hoping that all size-dogmatizing in penis science, the utter enormity of my own cock notwithstanding, may nonetheless have been no more than a noble childishness and tyronism; and the time is perhaps very close at hand when it will be grasped in case after case what has been sufficient to furnish the foundation-stone for such sublime orgasms as, for example, I have had inside of countless women.
Whence the penis scientists’ obsession with size? Certainly it does not originate in women, from whom is ever to be heard only benign talk of boats and oceans. Nor does nature give it any stamp of nobility–to the contrary, a large, elaborate penis is precisely the mark of a species of rapists and cuckolds!
To we of clear vision and free penises, has there ever been a more damaging superstition than this “size matters”? Does not the obsession with size, for all its apparent glorification of our gargantuan penises and by extension the man who possesses it, simultaneously amount to a seductive denial of our worth as men, and indeed even our massive penises as penises? In this claim, “size matters,” is not the penis in fact made into the subordinate of the vagina, its object of pleasure, its slave? Just how many venomous snakes has this “size matters” smuggled in under its silken outer cloak? Enough! The twilight of this idol has come, and we of the free penis have come to preach nightfall. And then? Perhaps the dawn and the rising of a new penis, glistening and golden–one that kisses us as it bites. Yes! We preach the coming of the Überpenis.
The penis scientist of tomorrow will create new values for the penis, hence new interpretations, hence, a new measure of “size”–no! A measure beyond size. But it behooves the penis scientist to remember that he who fights large penises should look to it that he himself does not become a large penis. And when you gaze long at the penis sometimes it gets hard and looks like it is gazing back at you.
7/7/2012 — 3:02 AM
I dreamt about Beatrice again. I was back at the conference, mingling in the reception hall. Bartleby was boring me with another of his tirades against “those jag-off editors” at the Annals, when suddenly the door to the atrium flew open and in floated Beatrice. She wore a virginal white dress, contrasting nicely against her mahogany skin. The dress billowed as she hovered silently towards me. When she passed the others they transformed into tiny bees, swarming upwards out of sight, until it was just me and the queen Beatrice.
Still hovering before me, she put a single finger to my lips and I instantly became erect. For a moment we both examined my tumescence and as I returned my gaze to her I found she was completely naked except for a coy, enticing smile. And she was half bee from the waist down. As was I.
Brushing the hors d’oeuvres off the snack table, I lept onto its surface and she floated herself over me. We paused, looking deep into each other’s eyes, and I could feel the heat coming off her copulatory bursa. I took her there, stinging her with my bee-penis. I felt a white flash of pain–a hurts-so-good–as my bee-genitals exploded and detached from my body, as happens when honey bees mate (Bishop 1920). Beatrice twisted away from me, taking my lower abdomen with her. My intestines spilled out of me like a magician’s handkerchief. Tied to the end of my gut-links was my quivering, still-beating heart. I watched it expel the last spurts of my blood, and then I died.
My corpse slumped to the floor and Beatrice grabbed my heart off the pile of entrails, delicately smeared a dollop of ranch dip on the heart, and ate it with a smile. It cracked and crunched in her mouth like a carrot. My hollow torso gave her a smile back, just happy to see her happy.
Once she finished eating, I floated upwards away from her and the scene below me retreated into darkness. But I was not alone in the void. I could feel the presence of a man, an unfathomably large man, looming behind me. I darted my head around, but the figure was always just out of sight. The void around me began to brighten with white static, and I knew I was coming out the dream. I began to panic, darting my head around, trying to catch the figure with a quick glance. But the static took over, and I screamed imploringly into it: “Tad! Where are you!?”
I woke up. My cats looked at me, startled.
Bishop, G. H. 1920. Fertilization in the Honey Bee: The male sexual organs. I. Their histological structure and physiological functioning. J. Exp. Zoo.: 31(2), 224-265. DOI: 10.1002/jez.1400310203.
Snodgrass, R. E. 1910. The Anatomy of the Honey Bee. U.S. Department of Agriculture, Bureau of Entomology Technical Series. No. 18.
Wow. OK. So it seems my latest article on the gorilla’s penis has upset my esteemed colleague Brody J. Dickworth. Hopefully this means he has said his piece about his piece, but I very much doubt it.
Incidentally, Brody made a bizarre passing reference to elephants which reminds me of some interesting penis science worth relating here, if only to distance this majestic animal from its recent association with my colleague’s genitals.
At this point you might expect me to launch into my typical erudite exposition on the facts of the elephant penis: that it’s typically about 4 ft long, it bends in a S-shape when erect, and that it is able to writhe about independent from the elephant’s body because of special musculature (Short 1967). Well, dear reader, excuse me while I stifle a yawn.
Descriptive accounts of penises are all well and good–necessary even, as they are often the first step towards true penis science–but to focus solely on anatomy and physiology overlooks the larger aims of penis science, namely: 1) to give an evolutionary account of penises, i.e. the why and not just the how of a specific penis, 2) to understand the penis’s role in reproductive and social behavior, and 3) explore ways to improve our own penises.
Thus far this blog has mostly been concerned with the first aim, such as in the echidna penis article, and we’ve touched on the third aim in the barbed penis article. But today I would like to explore second aim, by way of the African elephant and the strange phenomenon known as green penis syndrome.
I have little doubt that most of the readers of this blog are disturbed by the recent output of Dr. Cox, and for good reason. So it appears as though “Big Daddy” Dickworth must restore this blog to respectability yet again.
To begin with, do not listen to the hacks that refereed my unassailable article on Cox’s homosexuality. As little Richard himself demonstrates on a weekly basis, the world of penis science is full of petty, backbiting cowards for whom peer review is merely a weapon to be wielded against those few of us who are capable of true innovation.
But of course, such unsupported and unwarranted attacks on my merits as a scientist have persisted throughout my career, always in one dubious form or another, whether it be claims of plagiarism, arrogance, or “clownish stupidity.” I was at first puzzled by this inexplicable and apparently inexhaustible hatred for me and my work as a penis scientist until Dr. Cox’s most recent article “The Man with the Small Castle: The Gorilla Penis.” Then it all came together: They are all jealous of my huge penis.
Dear reader, there is something you should know about me: I am a huge Dick fan, and I have been ever since my early twenties. Maybe my love of Dick has spilled over into my research, because I often find myself wondering, “What if…?” like in Dick’s classic alternate history novel “The Man in the High Castle”. But instead of asking, “What if the Nazi’s had won,” I ask, “What if our penises had evolved differently?”
Fortunately one doesn’t need to be a Dick to imagine the outcome such scenarios. We only have to examine the penises of our closest living evolutionary relatives, the primates, because in a sense each primate penis is an alternate history of the human penis, a window into What Could Have Been.
I’ve already touched on this idea a little in my post on the barbed penis, where I examined a study claiming proto-humans used to have magnificent barbed penises like many other primates. You might say the barbed penis is like a utopian alternative history, one where the Axis powers lose, but the States and the USSR nuke each other into oblivion, and Canada rises to supremacy, their scientists ruling the land like philosopher kings.
Then you might ask: Which penis corresponds to a dystopian alternate history, the one where the Axis powers win, the West falls to communism, and vampires take over Parliament? This would certainly have to be the gorilla penis.