You’re right Brody: I’m jealous. I’m jealous of how little you must care about your reputation as a scientist to be advocating something as dilettantish as your “bigger is better” absolutist theory, a hypothesis discarded by the scientific community decades ago. But yes, in one regard you’re right: the PBR is not an entirely valid comparative tool, however the fact of the matter is that every known theory of penile valuation is flawed.
Really, you have no inkling of how deep this goes, how since the very beginnings of penile science some of the greatest minds in the field have wasted the prime of their lives on the problem only to come away empty handed. I, myself, spent years, Brody–years–in the backwaters of the Paraná Delta and the malarial jungles of Columbia searching for the missing thread that will tie all the evidence together into one unified theory of penis valuation. But there’s always something missing; none of the models match the data. There is some factor or variable I’m not taking account of, something obvious I’m overlooking. But I know I am close. In fact, I have already been there.
That night in Córdoba will forever haunt me. It came to me in a bolt, mid-coitus: the complete theory in absolute stunning clarity, as elegant and harmonious as I always imagined it to be, like some celestial music box belonging to the gods. But then just as suddenly it was taken from me, as if a capricious deity had changed his mind; that I, Richard, was not to be the vessel for this truth. Or, maybe it was just the lowly distractions of flesh–the nameless Bolivian woman, her cheap perfume, the wine. But all the same: gone, like a dream lost upon waking. Now all I am left with is torment of knowing. Knowing that the truth exists and that I am forbidden to have it. And knowing that for those few fleeting moments I was the happiest I will ever be.
Dr. Richard Cox, PhD.
Erudite and scientific though his language may be, it does unfortunately appear that Dr. Cox’s analysis of the barnacle penis has, like so many other things in his life, come up short. So that the rest of this article can maintain an appropriate level of scientific objectivity, there is one matter I should clear up now: My brain has chewed your “food for thought” Richard, but it tasted too much like bitter jealousy to swallow.
I primarily take issue with Dr. Cox’s dogmatic assertion that the greatness of an animal’s penis, as far as size goes, ought to be measured by the PBR (this is the penis to body size ratio, for the non-specialists out there). For example, until a few years ago I was a world class body builder (“The Bodman”) and indeed my physique remains outstanding. It would be uncouth to reveal its length publicly, but however long my penis may be, could the fact that I have packed on so much muscle make it any less impressive?
Thus I believe we must drop any claim that penile greatness is simply a matter of having a high PBR. I am more inclined to think that it is absolute size alone by which penises should be judged, and in this case we must indeed cede penile superiority to whales, elephants, horses, and men with penises larger than ten inches.